Why I want to do this...

This is kind of a combination of this week's homework and next weeks. I want us to have the right mind set for this challenge. It's about coming into your destiny, not fitting into your old jeans. Our weight does not define us. I want you to think about the labels or lies you have bought into over the years, and begin to challenge them, one-by-one. Whatever you have been called at one time or another "fat", "weak"," just a women", "undisciplined", or you fill in the blank. We don't have to live within the boundaries of a label.

Well, here's a little of my background, It's hard to express it on paper or in writing. My weight has consumed me, my entire life. It's strange how you become what you fear the most, or how you feel on the inside eventually comes to the surface.

My weight has gone up and down, depending on the stage and circumstances in my life. There was a time that I was considered a "hottie" or I think we called it "fine" back then, but I always felt like I was a 400 lb women inside. No one could have convinced me, that I was okay. I think I had Body Dismorphic Disorder. I wouldn't go anywhere without being fully made up. It took me 2 hrs every morning to get ready, and I still felt like everyone was judging me.

I gained a lot of weight after a divorce, and the stress of being a single mom. I thought if I dressed right, and put on perfect makeup, no one would realize that I had gained 75lbs (can you say denial!). It seemed like every time I left the house, I would run into one of my friends and they would comment "You look so different, I didn't even recognize you!" or a kid would say "Why are you so fat?", or I was named "Big Jen" at work, because there was a tiny Jennifer. It would devastate me, and it got so bad, that I started isolating myself in my house and began to miss work, church, school, family events, and nights out with friends, just because I didn't want to hear someone say something about my weight. After you hear the dreaded words "You're so fat" about a thousand times, it starts to get more annoying than devastating. I started thinking, these people need a hobby!

One day, I was having a heart to heart with my Dad and he told me "No one is looking at you, they are too consumed with themselves! The more you help other people, the better you are going to feel about yourself." It planted a seed in me. It was a huge revelation! The world did not revolve around me! Amazing! I couldn't believe that I could be both insecure and self centered. Well, here I am, 9 years later. I've made a ton of progress inside, but not much outside. In fact, I went in the opposite direction and decided everyone could love me as I am or kiss my butt.

I think something strange has developed over the last few years though, I feel like I have become another gender or animal - "The Single Mom", a strange breed, both male and female, they live on coffee and fast food. Everything that is not practical is tossed aside. High heels, not practical anymore. Makeup, just enough to cover the problem areas. Hair, short and easy. Food, whatever's convenient. I can't even identify with the girly-girl I used to be! Anyway....I am ready for my outside to match my inside, for the girl in me to come back, and to stop sometimes and enjoy what God has given me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Thanks for joining me on this ride!